why me??

*attention! please dont vomit reading this*

bhahaha its not that im full of myself or perasan, but it was obviously right. why they hav such feeling on me? i wont tell it here cuz i'm afraid that u will vomit reading it. but i never hope it happens,,even me always pray that what happened long time ago was the last. cuz im sick of it. sick of disappointing others and fight against my feelings, cuz u know what?? i tend to hav feeling on someone who has feeling on me as well. so its like a challange for me to 'jaga iman jaga hati' and maybe cuz allah knows im weak at this so He tests me regarding this. but until when?

i tell you, i am nothing okayyy. and believe me, if you be friend with me you will find out that im a lame and boring person. im cant joking and really bad at encountering any insultion. im not a man of words. even if i meet you guys dont be shocked if im like this, silent all the time. anddd whats i hate the most is, when others found out that im not good as they expected im before. that was not a good feeling cuz i hate to ruin others' expectation and hopes.huhuhu. thats why i hate if someone likes me.

but i do appreciate them, thats why if i know someone has feeling on me,,i'd have it too. huhuhu. cuz i know even i hav a lot of weaknesses they still admire me,,ecece,, thats why in my prayers, i always mention them. yup maybe i can't reply on their feelings on me, thats why i juz pray for them. so it worth it, right.

again, i'm not perasan ok,,at first they were juz my firasat, but i have some alibi to say it true.

and i still dont get it. why??

i'm good at nothing ok.

alhamdulillah for that smile ^^

subhanallah, hari ini perasaan yang pernah aku rasa 2 tahun lalu bertandang kembali. malah seolah2 sebahagian daripada beban di bahuku diangkat sedikit demi sedikit. betapa aku bersyukurnya padaMu ya allah atas apa yang berlaku hari ini. saat melihat senyuman dia, subhanallah, berair mata aku. tapi cepat2 aku mengawal emosi aku. dan hari ini juga, penyakit homesick aku mencapai tahap 3. sungguh waktu kelas tadi terbayang2 akan setiap kerenah mereka. dan aku tahu, rindu itu juga satu nikmat. indah bukan merindui seseorang? malah hari ini juga, ada sesuatu yang aku belajar; berhenti menerima dan mengharap. ya, muktamad! biarkan ia berlaku. tapi ya allah, andai kata akan berlaku, kuatkan aku dlu ok?

sekali lagi, ya allah, terima kasih untuk segala rasa pada hari ini. <3

that smile of ummi makes this picture worthless!!

aku yakin ya allah. ini semua berlaku dengan izin Mu, bukan usaha,bukan pemeriksa,bukan doa2 kami,,, semua oleh Mu ya allah, Tuhan sekalian alam. ^^

19th march13

after a long time, she updated her blog. i can see she is smiling, she's happy, laughing there,, with her batchmate. she is so so happy with them. she even uploaded some pictures buttt buttt few of them contain her! ya allah, what they had done to her? she never had done it before even once,,...huhuhu,,, anyway it hit me,,she is happy, but it is not becuz of me anymore.. ok fine,,hahaha i should feel happy on her behalf. ^^ yess wallahi i'm happy for her. and alhamdulillah she unblocked me in fb ^^. ekekeke,,but i do want to add her, i do want to chat with her,,,but i'm tired of disappointing her. dont want to disturb her,, let she happy, even if by meeting someone else let her happy ya allah.

hmm,,tomorrow spm result will be announced. my sister im sure is having a butterfly in her stomach LOL. but honestly i'm worry too,,i hope she get straight a. cuz i want more doctor to be in our family. *she want to be a doctor too ^^* ya allah, please make it happens,,,juz say "be" ya allah pleasee make my umi n abuya smile  :PPP hihihihi

anyway, now i'm in a middle of something. about one of my batchmate here. but since i think i can't help due to some limit,i ask for senior help. sorry for burdening it but thats the only thing i can do. i dont want to see my friend ruined.

am still hoping.

yesterday, my senior told me that don;t put high hope on my camera which i had sent to service center, cuz he said he lost his camera after he sent it to service center few years ago. =,= erkkk why not tell me earlier? but he said, juz buy a new better one. huhuhu. as if i have a lot of money, i'd buy better one. even that camera of mine,,was my father's money,,,,so it make me down if what he said is true. but still i will put high hope on my camera and make doa,,cuz i live by hoping rather than accept everything. sokay, at least i know  it was my LAST effort on my camera, if anything happens,,that's what allah wants. so there must be reason :)

anyway, i drew this yesterday,,,cuz suddenly it crossed my mind. and fyi, it is what my naqib told me when i asked him something regarding about nafs. until now i remember it.

he said, our nafs's character is waiting~ and as long as you fight it, it wont fight you unless you lower your guard down. so never sleep nor be negligence. always renew your iman (faith) and nawaitu (intention). as if you are tired and you lost to ur lust,,, quickly repent. inshaallah.

anyway, i checked facebook,,something happened today. it makes my day. subhanallah alhamdulillah.

radi0head-creep

currently is listening to this song. lol i think i'm addicted to it,,cuz the meaning is very deep,,,

a new plan~

ok just few things to say. i was pulled into biro media of stig-x. but my job is very easy, i have to attend any sport practices,,,and shoot!!! hahaha. now i am a photographer for stig-x coming soon event. but what i got today was more than i expected, they invited me to play. mashaallah, i felt happy even i had played very bad LOL. even i missed the rugby practice cuz i got lost in a rural area, that place was so scary~ no body was there, barking dog,, motor bike gangs and so silence. but i asked few russians there, even they were not friendly but at least it helped.

and i had think and planned, since my journey here is still long to go, i want to involve myself in sports. if not this year, maybe next year inshaallah.

if don't wanna help, don't worsen it. k.

even if you have gone thru that kind of situation, it doesnt mean that you can say; it's okay, learn it! if you are a friend, and you know it's hurt why don't you help me? dont worsen it or eventually let it hanged in the air. i'm the one hurt in this middle of situation and i asked a help to lessen it,and is it unfair if it could help me to neutralize myself like the others two? you said it is unfair? what the~ so obviously you dont understand me as you claimed to be, or by my overthinking's thought i'd say you are not even a friend cuz u dont care as a friend does. *shohhh shoo that overthinking's thought..lol

if you don't want to help me, at least dont make it worse. (a reminder for myself)

(should had not ask anyone about this, juz leave it to Him jeee. *learnt)

as you wish,,

on my skype's status, i wrote; let go? should i?
then two days after she wrote on her skype's status; hopefully it'll end.
i know she read my status, but i dont know whether it was about us or not.
and i believe it was about us, and i hope i got it wrong.

*************************

it has been a week but i still havent got anything from allah. and what else if not allah, is there another God i can rely on other than allah? absolutely NOT. maybe a person like me is being ignored by allah. sokay i know why and i know who i am. but i dont want to lose hope on allah yet,,inshaallah i will still pray and in this case maybe i should not leave it to Him totally cuz seems like He won't help me. i'm far away from allah while she is so close to Him.

if end is what she wants, who am i to resist it,,,her prayers deserve more to be granted than mine. 'huhu

i'm waiting~

for the past 6 days, i've prayed istikharah almost everyday, or at least recite the istikarah doa in my fardu prayers. cuz tomorrow should be the due date for me to declare my decision. but still till today i don't receive any answer yet. yesss, i need the answer cuz now i'm really in dilemma. if i wanna do, right now i'm really hesistate to do it. if not, then i should live with those fears (for 6 years!). or at least allah, make her get rid of that fears.

allah, now i'm urging You to give me the answer. i wanna do according to what You'd tell me. i don't want to regret it in future,, or at least if i regret it later, i can say, "it was what allah wanted, so chill~". yet allah, i leave it to You to decide,,,,so please decide it for me please.

and tomorrow will start my second sem, so i need to settle this asap before it ruins my second sem. :( hope she unblock my fb by today or tomorrow so it'd easier. huhu :'(

miss how's life used to be in intec :(

tonight, helmi needed my help for his video making (an islamic reminder one) task for an upcoming event, stig-x. i suggested him to watch the HIBJ video which attt, yunee and me made juz to get some rough idea. and since the video is unlisted from search engine, i have to scroll down fb group RUSSIAN 18. alhamdulillah i found that video. but on my way scrolling down to it, i have to pass thru a lot of posts and status. so instead of the video, i got nostalgia :'(

i saw some posts regarding past problem (yup that one), the misunderstanding, about some disputes among us long ago, few wishes and prayers we posted, saying good luck to each other, how we advised each other, about big event we organized, sharings, bout preparation to here, etc.
.
.
.
they gave me nostalgia of being together with them in intec. it's too sweet to recall. and i don't believe how came i hated them (during early weeks) but then it turned out to be opposite, cuz then i love them. i love russa 18. and even we had stayed together for only a year, but i miss russa 18 more than i miss raids (which i stayed with them for 2 years).

maybe since we were minority, so we always do things together and can easily mingle with each other. and everytime we had an event, everyone (by hook by crook) have to join. so that's how we became really close despite of everyone's own background. so, we completed each other. and with love showed by our superseniors, i think that's how we became even closer which i hate to admit it. but now i miss how life used to be in intec. :'(

and just want to say that actually it's not true if i had said; in intec i overcame my fear to communicate with opposite gender. cuz here i realized that i still have the same problem :( but one thing i realized here is, i don't have difficulty to communicate with russian18's girls. they are like my sisters, cuz my blood sisters are the ones i feel really easy to be with. when i'm talking to russian18's girls, i don't feel any difficulty but not when with other girls. :) so juz wanna say, you are all my family here! :D

and,,

i miss the moment when we were all together sharing, crying and laughing :( but sokay, now i still can see how close we are; doing bufday surprises, group potluck, excursion together, celebrating big days, share meals, etc. hope the bond continues :)

these pictures got all of us. full strength. <3

maybe i'm nothing to them but for me, they are precious cuz with them i learnt a lot of things. subhanallah. mashaallah. may allah bless us all. and inshaallah i'd mention russian18 in all my prayers. hihi :)

the pasts that i don't want to but everyone should know.

thinking about the past,,,which i don't want to recall again cuz when i think about it, i feel embarrassed and very bad. im can't believe how bad i was and hypocrite long time ago regarding that thing. i never tell these to anybody. why? HAHA. cuz it will show how bad i am actually. and i even tried not to admit it and is very regret for did those things. yeah, i don't wanna do it again but thats juz subjective,,,but it still me. how to say huh? hmm,,actually i never told this to somebody except my friend, helmi. cuz it's regarding my inner attitude. if everyone knows they will disrespect me. but no matter how i have to admit it,, yeah, that's me.

now i feel embarrassed i did these things LOL;

1. when i was in form 1, i gave sms to the girl i liked very much (my first love). three times but she never replied, only once (one sms only) and then she never replied anymore. itupun cuz i wished her selamat hari raya, and she replied the same. even, i denied an offer from a friend who offered me to help me to enter religious school becuz of her. LOL

2. when i was in form 3, i liked another girl. but a year after that i received an offer to further my study in boarding school. but before i transfer there, i sent her a letter. she never replied too. LOL.

3. when i was in boarding school, during my senior year, i volunteered myself to help in an event held in my school. but the event which was en.hassan's son's marriage so a lot of outsiders came. and i was attracted to a girl. i approached her asking for her number. she didn't give. i felt embarrassed but i didn't give up. i told one of my junior to ask for her number again. this time she gave, but gave the wrong number. LOL

4. still in boarding school during my senior year, we (my batch) had an event with all girl school which located near to my school. it was history workshop for spm. i was paired with a girl from ssp on the first day. second day, she asked to change pair, so i was a little bit sad cuz i already had attracted to her. but i gave her my email in hoped that she find me, but never. LOL.

5. (will update it later maybe on another post) *but i'm not promise.

and maybe everyone should knows about this. so they know the real me. yes you might say they were the past, but still those events describe my hidden character. HAHAHA. but funny how i fought for some girls but failed and i still repeat it. maybe i should learn from it. enough fighting for the girl you like. but even if i'm fighting for them, i will tell myself that she's my future wife. hahaha. *not for fun keyh*

maybe,, yes maybe, i should use new principle, i won't fight for girl anymore, if any girl likes me, let she fights for me. like prophet muhammad saw and sayiditina siti khadijah ra, where siti khadijah proposed rasulullah saw first but their marriage last forever. so sweet ;) easy said, let just follow His flow. and i have to restrain myself from attracted to any girl (like usual but harder) cuz i don't want to repeat the same mistake. inshaallah there won't be the sixth story. hihihihihi

if you wanna be my wife, fight for me. and if allah put a feeling into me on you, inshaallah i'll fight for you too. :) hihihihihihi. but if they know these stories of coz no one wanna fight for me plus they will hate me. LOL. sokay,, if that so, so no need to get married lah, hahaha. *but i'm serious, see my face----> :l

"ya allah,,,please i beg You, don't put any feeling on me yet. stop it!! please i beg You so badly about this, please. amin"

let go, accept, never put hope.

comparing myself to the guy i hate so badly, now i have to admit i'm just nothing. i can see how his life is very perfect, he has almost everything. while me, always motivate myself to be very confidence. maybe that's how allah test us, me with myself. but he has almost everything. he has his dream camera, he got his dream laptop, he will become a doctor, lots of friends, popular and all of that i don't care. but what i fear the most, he has high chance and can easily get the girl he likes since he was in primary school. lol.

that girl.

allah,,,,only you know how much i like her. now i have to admit that i'm not for her. i have to let her go so that she's free and happy. then i have to learn to accept it, cuz it is the only way i can live without fear anymore.

allah,,,answer me ok?

warning from uni? what theeee~?!

just now president of malaysian students here posted something regarding islamic issues here. and i was like,, what the??!!! 

but i was speechless, dont know what to say. but i won't follow it much, religion is my priority ok! maybe it just a test for us here. o allah, strengthen us here please, don't ignore us k?

anyway, small matter i suppose :)

i've made a decision.

so, i've decided. i don't want to take the risk, cuz i'm sure i can't make it. i have my own way, i have my own principle. enough being in that situation, i can't follow. i'm not suit in it. so am i deserve for you? no. absolutely and clearly not, i'm just no one, i have a lot of flaws so don't expect anything from me cuz one day later everyone will know i'm not as good as they thought i am. that's why i rather be a stranger instead of get close to everybody. and i don't want to sacrifice my future. maybe by this decision, would break my heart into pieces, cuz it is my dream,,which i'd mention in every prayers. but as long as it is there, the two FEARS will follow. i need to get rid of the fear, especially the unsure one. so i've decided.

to hold on or let go?

and,
i've decided.

now i just have to get confirmation from isthikarah i'd make in hope for miracle, if not then i'll find a way to make it a proper decision. and now i think is the best time for that.

living with two fears. :(

since my rudeness to allah recently just becuz of silly dispute inside myself, now i ask allah, to do as His wish. which means i don't want to give a lot of effort nor put high hopes anymore, but this time i told myself, i just want to follow His flow. i'm tired of fighting alone without supports. if something happens, i will just do according to that thing inshaallah. i'm training myself to accept of everything that would happen. cuz i dont want if the thing i'm afraid of would happen, i can't live anymore. cuz now i live with FEAR. and due to the fear within me, my focus in class and lecture disrupted and my momentum of study fell. so to get rid of that fear, maybe something should i do but so far lets just train myself to be reda with any consequences.

but recently, allah gave me another fears which i was afraid of long time ago. about girls. i dont know why, despite of having a lot of sisters, still these gender is problematic to me. there is a girl i dont know but from my batch she added my father, chatted with him and now a lot of her status liked by my father, even few comments. LOL. wow! this far, huh? never in my life, the girl i know be close to my father. even there is a girl, whom i always feel something curious to her and i'm afraid she has feeling on me. cuz what? not that i'm full of myself, but can you explain why she added my brother, my step-mother, and my father as well? even she knows a lot about my background.

despites of that, i told myself, i won't start anything. NEVER. but how if they started it while i told myself i will just follow His flow? o allah, now i've reached beyond the limit i set for myself long time ago, but it's not my fault right? i do what i had said right? but i'm afraid something wrong would happen, i don't want to hurt anyone else anymore. enough with the past. they are women, weak, should be protected not hurt. if this fear happens, maybe there is a vast decision i have to make, regarding people's feeling and heart.

ooohhhh plzzzzz, allah I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! now i live with TWO FEARS!!!

she has to know this. o allah, i wish she read this post. but i dont think so huhu.

before it's too late.

before it's killing me.

no matter what, i have to destroy this feeling. cuz i can't take it anymore not, but cuz i have a lot of hopes and prayers put on my nerves. dont want this single feeling ruins tons of hopes from my parents, siblings, cousins, relatives, juniors, teachers,  and friends. my role is big, vey big. i can't imagine life i have to face if i can't make it. but should i take the risk?

o allah, i can't. i have to think for solutions. and i need Your guidance ya allah. please cuz it's about my entire life effect so i'm not sure if my solution is the best yet. allah, please help me. and please if it's the best, make it the last. i don't want to prolong it anymore. :(

allah guide me please. before it's killing me and ruins my future. :'(

i respect-ED him.

i respected him. but he did something that surprised me. cuz can you imagine the one that keeps the good things happen and preaching to the others, easy said that he is pious person in front of people, but when he meet a specific person he insult the person making everyone laugh at that person. does he knows how's that feeling of being insulted? in front of juniors somemore. that person who was insulted is my senior, he is veeeerrrryyyyy kind and generous. so it broke my heart seeing he was being insulted without any backups. it's embarrassing him ya know.

then my senior who was being insulted, he left the gathering. i saw he was trying to hide his emotional and anger. it broke my heart! i cried inside. :'(

how could him did that to him! :( is that what people say pious, huh? now i lost respect to him!

Asma Allah. :)

oh, i love this! since i told myself dont use human's term (e.g. sweet, naughty, jealous etc) on allah, juz use His 99 names or never. so i have to memorize all of His name inshaallah. :) inshaallah will try.

“The Beautiful 99 Names of Allah ♥ 1 Allah (الله) The Greatest Name
2 Ar-Rahman (الرحمن) The All-Compassionate
3 Ar-Rahim (الرحيم) The All-Merciful
4 Al-Malik (الملك) The Absolute Ruler
5 Al-Quddus (القدوس) The Pure One
6 As-Salam (السلام) The Source of Peace
7 Al-Mu’min (المؤمن) The Inspirer of Faith
8 Al-Muhaymin (المهيمن) The Guardian
9 Al-Aziz (العزيز) The Victorious
10 Al-Jabbar (الجبار) The Compeller
11 Al-Mutakabbir (المتكبر) The Greatest
12 Al-Khaliq (الخالق) The Creator
13 Al-Bari’ (البارئ) The Maker of Order
14 Al-Musawwir (المصور) The Shaper of Beauty
15 Al-Ghaffar (الغفار) The Forgiving
16 Al-Qahhar (القهار) The Subduer
17 Al-Wahhab (الوهاب) The Giver of All
18 Ar-Razzaq (الرزاق) The Sustainer
19 Al-Fattah (الفتاح) The Opener
20 Al-`Alim (العليم) The Knower of All
21 Al-Qabid (القابض) The Constrictor
22 Al-Basit (الباسط) The Reliever
23 Al-Khafid (الخافض) The Abaser
24 Ar-Rafi (الرافع) The Exalter
25 Al-Mu’izz (المعز) The Bestower of Honors
26 Al-Mudhill (المذل) The Humiliator
27 As-Sami (السميع) The Hearer of All
28 Al-Basir (البصير) The Seer of All
29 Al-Hakam (الحكم) The Judge One
30 Al-`Adl (العدل) The Just
31 Al-Latif (اللطيف) The Subtle One
32 Al-Khabir (الخبير) The All-Aware
33 Al-Halim (الحليم) The Forbearing
34 Al-Azim (العظيم) The Magnificent
35 Al-Ghafur (الغفور) The Forgiver and Hider of Faults
36 Ash-Shakur (الشكور) The Rewarder of Thankfulness
37 Al-Ali (العلى) The Highest
38 Al-Kabir (الكبير) The Greatest
39 Al-Hafiz (الحفيظ) The Preserver
40 Al-Muqit (المقيت) The Nourisher
41 Al-Hasib (الحسيب) The Accounter
42 Al-Jalil (الجليل) The Mighty
43 Al-Karim (الكريم) The Generous
44 Ar-Raqib (الرقيب) The Watchful One
45 Al-Mujib (المجيب) The Responder to Prayer
46 Al-Wasi (الواسع) The All-Comprehending
47 Al-Hakim (الحكيم) The Perfectly Wise
48 Al-Wadud (الودود) The Loving One
49 Al-Majid (المجيد) The Majestic One
50 Al-Ba’ith (الباعث) The Resurrector
51 Ash-Shahid (الشهيد) The Witness
52 Al-Haqq (الحق) The Truth
53 Al-Wakil (الوكيل) The Trustee
54 Al-Qawiyy (القوى) The Possessor of All Strength
55 Al-Matin (المتين) The Forceful One
56 Al-Waliyy (الولى) The Governor
57 Al-Hamid (الحميد) The Praised One
58 Al-Muhsi (المحصى) The Appraiser
59 Al-Mubdi’ (المبدئ) The Originator
60 Al-Mu’id (المعيد) The Restorer
61 Al-Muhyi (المحيى) The Giver of Life
62 Al-Mumit (المميت) The Taker of Life
63 Al-Hayy (الحي) The Ever Living One
64 Al-Qayyum (القيوم) The Self-Existing One 65 Al-Wajid (الواجد) The Finder
66 Al-Majid (الماجد) The Glorious
67 Al-Wahid (الواحد) The One, the All Inclusive, The Indivisible
68 As-Samad (الصمد) The Satisfier of All Needs
69 Al-Qadir (القادر) The All Powerful
70 Al-Muqtadir (المقتدر) The Creator of All Power
71 Al-Muqaddim (المقدم) The Expediter
72 Al-Mu’akhkhir (المؤخر) The Delayer
73 Al-Awwal (الأول) The First
74 Al-Akhir (الأخر) The Last
75 Az-Zahir (الظاهر) The Manifest One
76 Al-Batin (الباطن) The Hidden One
77 Al-Wali (الوالي) The Protecting Friend
78 Al-Muta’ali (المتعالي) The Supreme One
79 Al-Barr (البر) The Doer of Good
80 At-Tawwab (التواب) The Guide to Repentance
81 Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger
82 Al-‘Afuww (العفو) The Forgiver
83 Ar-Ra’uf (الرؤوف) The Clement
84 Malik-al-Mulk (مالك الملك) The Owner of All
85 Dhu-al-Jalal wa-al-Ikram (ذو الجلال و الإكرام) The Lord of Majesty and Bounty
86 Al-Muqsit (المقسط) The Equitable One
87 Al-Jami’ (الجامع) The Gatherer
88 Al-Ghani (الغنى) The Rich One
89 Al-Mughni (المغنى) The Enricher
90 Al-Mani’(المانع) The Preventer of Harm
91 Ad-Darr (الضار) The Creator of The Harmful
92 An-Nafi’ (النافع) The Creator of Good
93 An-Nur (النور) The Light
94 Al-Hadi (الهادي) The Guide
95 Al-Badi (البديع) The Originator
96 Al-Baqi (الباقي) The Everlasting One
97 Al-Warith (الوارث) The Inheritor of All
98 Ar-Rashid (الرشيد) The Righteous Teacher
99 As-Sabur (الصبور) The Patient One”

he knows cuz He know.

alhamdulillah. i praise allah for that pleasuring feeling He gave me yesterday, how my heart happy till now. is it the miracle i asked for? or is it just a test for me? or just a coincidence? no absolutely there is no coincidence in islam. everything, yes e v e r y t h i n g won't happens without His knowledge, cuz everything even tiny things happened by allah's will. subhanallah.

now, when every single things happens i can see there are a lot of reasons. it's like allah want to show me, i mean it seems like He want to 'introduce' Himself to me; to show me His love and His kindness. subhanallah how my heart was touched. arghh,,how i am happy for what allah gave me yesterday :DDDD

i just want to say my thanks to Him. :) that was the best moment of 2013 so far and perhaps it was a present from allah to me for Men's Day today :D subhanallah, alhamdulillah. :DDD

and yesterday ALSO, my brother shared something on my timeline. actually i don't know why he shared that photo, but i wonder, how come he knows?!

this photo. it cures my heart a lil bit.

allah, do as Your pleasure, but please guide me as well for i need it.

that unneeded bye.

1. fyi, there are two batches in first year batch. my batch (now in 2nd semester) and the yayasan terengganu's batch (now in 1st semester). they latter cuz they came later than us and when arrived here they have to continue and finish their preparation yet. moreover, we are older one year than them, so perhaps i can say that they are our juniors. but,

2. WHY THEY DID THAT TO ME? HOW COULD THEM!! I FELT FOOLED. do they know who they are? you guys are younger than me, i am older than you, so have some respect. at least if you dont want to show your respect, never do something rude.

3. i was rushing anyway to hospital for surgical practical. when i reached the tramvai/bus stop i saw them. they stood at the place where the no.2 tramvai will stop. almost all of them and fyi 28 out of 31 of them are girls. looking at that position and direction i knew they were heading to main university so why i should approach them? no need to ask. moreover since i have difficulty in communication with opposite gender, i stood far away from them (about 100m), i even didn't turn my head towards them. when the tramvai came, i rushed into that tramvai (no.2). but,

4. faisal suddenly called me. but how did he was there? i didn't know he was there among them. during that peak time i dont know why he asked me a lot of question. to where? what class? when class start? uurrgghhh faisal!!! i tried to avoid from them, but he pulled me into that middle of........ shit faisal. but i answered him. i tried to be cool. cuz why should i be afraid of? heyy,,it's my natural keyh so what to do. when i stepped into that tramvai i heard a girl said 'bye!' but i pretended nothing. she said again 'bye!', this time faisal told me that she said bye. yess i know i'm not deaf k! but since faisal said, i have to give respond,, when i looked back, all of them look at me. i was,,,, what the~ ~. she said again 'bye!'. this time i can't deny anymore, i just gave a smile to her, but her friends just laughed. for what??! huh!!

5. i felt embarrassed.  how could them!! :((( i knew that bye was just for nothing. she just was playing. but i wander for what she wanted to test me? huh? they dont know me, and me too dont know them,,so don't judge! cuz i know maybe some of them would say/ already said i'm arrogant. and you know what? they spoiled my day!!

6. this shit event reminded me of the event when i was in form 3. i still remember how i was insulted by few girls during my way back to home. they said it out loud in front of me keyh!! but sokay, i forgave them cuz i took note of what they said as thats the truth perhaps. like people always said, an enemy's insult is more honest than friend's praise. but this time, they fooled me. being insulted and being fooled aren't the same! if you guys hate me, just insult and tell me,, dont fooling me around keyh?

7. for me, they are *were* RUDE. now i know a little bit a feeling of being raped. LOL. [fullstop] but,

8. i dont know them yet, so i won't judge. that rude was just for her doing not them. and eventho some may say their are my batch's juniors, but i told them, for me they're not juniors but batchmates. i dont think if you separated by only fews months we can be senior junior. it's not boarding school anymore, this is university! but honestly, getting to be friend with them is not my intention, i rather be a stranger foreverever. haha. plus, abang arip told me normally the yt's students are pious more than others whom an ignorance like me dont deserve. hohoho.

9. maybe i was sensitive + overthink too much, yeah cuz on that time i was rushing, worried to be late but alhamdulillah i arrived on time. but seems annoying right? LOL.

i hate chelsea like hell cuz he's fan of them. LOL.

i can't, i can't if one day im not insulting that guy. even in my doa, i say his name with pig name, syu*** babi. ya allah, i just hate that guy very veryyy fuckiinngggg much. even he done nothing wrong to me, but still BECAUSE of him, my heart tore slightly,,please give my heart a break!! but that thing i saw in his timeline, not one but a lot were hurting me!!! till now keyh!! but it's not what i cant see yet. if i cant see everything,, ohhhh i can't imagine how i would be. misery! and seeing his status makes me feel mad and emotional. but i never pray bad things for him,, i titled him babi coz i just want allah know how much i hate him in fact allah already know,, maybe somehow its kind of relieving. yess i know it's bad but who cares? tell me who cares?? allah? no if im an ignorance it wont affect Him even a little it wont. and writing it here wont do any good cuz nobody read.. plus, i had blocked all followers here,,just a few (3 followers) which i dont know how they knew about this blog. now i know bout this block2-things since i was blocked by someone and it gave me an idea to block all followers in this blog. i just need a place i can spit it all out of my mind and heart. and i wonder how my friends and family would say if they read my writings here,,they will ask who cahnged you? what happened to you? blablabal cuz all that babi babi fuck pukimak bangang shit bitch etc were just pass thru inside me only, never speak it out YET but now i flow them out into this blog HAHAHA. and among everyone, i think only him right now problematic for me. i can't even advice myself bersyukur lah (be grateful) becuz that term is his name!!! ARRGGHHHH!!! then when i want to bersyukur but instead of that i hear his name it will turn out to be other things,, maybe mad or angry. even i can't hear a word chelsea. now i even hate chelsea cuz he's hard die fan of chelsea. LOL. go MU go!

to allah, who know everything inside me,,,i just write it down here to release some of the depression. it's ok am i right allah? i hav nowhere to tell everything of this. and i dont want to seek for someone but You. how i was touched several times recently cuz even i've done so much wrong to you yet you still ease and accept all my duas recently. and i won't tell it in reality, i know my part and job,, i'm just another slave. thats why eventho i know my absence will not affect you but as a slave i wont forget You!! for the sins i've done to You, pleaassseee forgive me.

i seek nobody else to rely on, but You allah.

but still how much i ask for forgiveness,, my hatred toward that guy will never end. unless that miracle happens again. o how i feel suckkkk when even a little tiny things, left wounds that seem may never heal. fuckk that feelings!!! badah bodoh badak and babi looooooooooool

tumblring yet.

sometimes tumblr is good, sometimes is not. but it depends on your luck, if you sad tumblr can cheer you up, but if you unlucky it could make you sadder. what the fuck!!! tumblr!! i used to spend my time in tumblr more cuz there i have more privacy, plus a lot of knowledges and quotes. what is more important it helps me to keep update with muslims' current issues especially in palestine and syria. but recently it's hard to see any news from there, hopefully that means nothing gone wrong/bad to my brothers and sisters there. hold on keyh? inshaallah one day later.

this i just wanna share i got from tumblr just now,, which made me think till now. overthink~ ~ huh? baaaabi btol. i hate and dont want to realize this!!!!

please tumblr, dont play with my feelings.

and after all, it's all happen by allah's will. i dont mean to blame allah (all bad things are from me myself) but juz want to say, You know me better than i know myself. i'm sensitive actually, like a girl~ ~ maybe, a lil bit. is it true allah? sometimes i wonder maybe my part is more within myself. cuz counting the blessings from Him, i see how good my life is,, but only me and He know how's the inside of me. haha. so, welcome to my life. that indah khabar dari rupa life.

anyway, bersyukur. erkk suddenly heard that name,, syu***. fuck that guy up. i have to use others word,,, be grateful ok? fight fight fight, fight like the syrians and palestinians!! :D

to whom that will listen and care. if not, dont waste your time reading this.

*********attention, dont read this cuz it will annoy you**********

right now im feeling of spitting out of everything that has been kept in my mind. a lot of things to tell. to someone who would listen no matter how long and silly the story is cuz im bad at story telling. someone whom i could trust. but i didnt said that there is no kind of that person out of my friends. i trust them. i easily trust people depending on my instinct. just i need someone, even if coincidentally it doesnt matter.

how about allah? yes. but still its not the same. as if you talk to your friend, or to your opposite gender friend, to your senior, to your family or parent or in front of public. all of them arent the same. to some you might be shy, or polite, or pamper right? and if to allah we know He listen. everybody knows allah The Listener, but still we tend to tell our problem to someone else though you already told everything to Him. cuz we are human, the ordinary ones who have a feeling to have campanions and support. but i dont know why sometime when i tell my problems to allah, i'll think like this, "yes He listen to me, but at the same time He listen to the others" huhuhuhuhu. allah, can there is between just You and me? ignore the others!

HAHAHAHAHA. :D

ok

HAHAHAHAHA. :D

thats so funny! how come an ignorance slave ask for that kind of privilege? stupid bodoh bangang. that why la, your name also is alike word bodoh. thats fit it but just for me la, not for others who posses same name as me. anyway, its not me who's too humble to insult himself, i do have my reason why i call myself like that but i wont tell why. if you know me, you will hate me. yeah, or at least dislike me. maybe im too hypocrite that makes people dont know the real me.

but at least, when im telling everything to allah, i will never feel alone. when you betrayed or feeling unwanted, the best feeling ever is when suddenly you feel you are not alone anymore. thats the significant of telling everything to allah. :)

maybe i'm just seeking for attention by writing this. yeah! sure.

listen + care + support. suddenly these three words came out to my mind. :)






what an attention seeker you are!! actually! hahaha :D
bodoh <---suddenly

you > lense > camera.

yesterday i taught my friend who just bought a DSLR camera. but teaching doesnt mean im really good, i just know the basic of DSLR and still learning,, so easy said i just shared what i know about the basic of DSLR. and recently i learnt something new about RAW and JPEG pictures from senior. what he answered was more than i asked. thanks and jazakallah. actually i can just google it and read, but i asked him in order to create the bond *ceyhh* better and sometimes its easier to understand from ur own friend.

anyway, some people still think that if you have DSLR camera means you are good in photography. DSLR doesnt make anyone photographer k, but that person himself. i saw in digitalrev channel in youtube, there are some playlist titled pro photographer cheap camera,, and i saw one video a pro photographer took picture using 3mp mobile phone but the picture is still precious. and based on my own observation, if you want i can tell you a person with mobile phone but the pictures he taken always impress me, and even there is someone owns RM3800 nikon DSLR camera but his pictures are,,,,,normal. lol.

so, what i want to say is, study and practice make perfect. if not perfect at least BETTER.

a lot of my friends asked for my advice which camera should they buy (cuz im the only DSLR owner in my batch :p),,so i see how people always look at camera first. but some of them i advised dont buy a DSLR *if the main purpose is to capture memont and memories*. buy DSLR only if you have passion on it or you will waste your money, thousands keyhh. but i admit that nowaday each family needs one DSLR, especially if they travel a lot.

based on my learning, what can i conclude is the beatiful-ness of a picture depends on: (from the most to not)
 you > lense > camera (body). 

*but the priority is on you n camera. cuz lense is veeeryyyy expensive!! and juz fyi, the more expensive DSLR doesnt means the picture is better. the price just determines its perfomance only. even the basic one can take a very nice pictures.

what will determines the picture taken

though im still bad at taking pictures but i'll still learn, but sokay cuz photographer is not my aim. it juz my passion and hobby. ihik ihik. anyway, juz now i learnt something new also from abg mofar about lense, but as usual,, limited by money~. huhu

i am a future doctor,,but will be more than that inshaallah.

i hate that guy vm!!!

frustrated huh? yeah, islam teaches his followers to be patience coz there hidden a lot of rewards. i know that. plus, He test us just to see how good we are in embracing islamic teaching and how we face misfortunes. but,,,i still did this,,, in order to reduce the hatred to him *at least*.

errghhh. i know i should be good to anyone especially if that person NEVER done wrong to you. if you think he is your enemy, after all,you have to admit that you made them.

think uba, think

babi lah!!!!! you know what is babi? babi is pig k. its haram in islam so babi is veryyyy,,how to say,,babi is same as if you say bitch. they eat shits. arrrghhhhhhhhhhh!!! ok stop stop stop!!! overthinking is sucks, it leads to negative thinkingggg. please shoo shoo that feeling. it came back!!! please go away!! what the heck (hell+fuck+etc)!!!!!!!
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this is pig.

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ok. i said it.
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o allah, please be sympathized with me. ???

everything happens for a reason 1.

tonight i really really want to study medical care, coz there's a lot of procedure and info about management and manipulations in hospital. so easy said, that subject is really important. but before that i went to two rooms of my friends who have printer coz i want to photostat that book, so that i can highlight and conteng2 (my way of study) coz if on the textbook can't. but unluckily, their printer is out of ink. so now my momentum of study fell. then instead of photostating, i opened fb but by using my friend's fb. i searched for someone's fb. viewed his timeline and....
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it's about something i cant accept in my life no matter how good it is.
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now its bordering my mind.
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and i think i have to admit something.
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ok, enough talking about that.
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m-hmm,
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and alhamdulillah, i asked seniors in fb group about sony center here, a chinese senior replied gave me the addresses. now i have 3 destinations for tomorrow in order to fix my camera (maybe), hope there can. i cant live without my camera, it has been a week and i feel bored without my camera. o allah, tomorrow is my last effort, so please help me. i dont want to wait for summer break to return back to malaysia and fix it there (5 months more). may allah ease my 'trip' for tomorrow;

everything happens for a reason, and there is no such thing in islam called coincidence. *suddendly i love this quotes :P

and by hook or by crook, i hav to be in hostel back in 2pm, got usrah <3

p/s: just now that senior that gave me the address even came to my room to show me the way. chinese kott,, huhu thanks a lot nway. *touched

can't wait to change room.

today, my roomate posted something on fb. and c.l.e.a.r.l.y he was condemned me. unstated my name but who else if not me and abg arip when he wrote 'roomate'? im not angry or sad, but i felt ochen guilty. coz i can imagine how was his life being messed by me, coz he rarely post on fb, but this time his post is about sejengkal long and all words capitalized. see how angry he was at that time and i can imagine how annoying he feels to me. and i admit i was the cause but i have my reason for doing that. as if i depend on him, he did fumble-ly, but when i depend on other thing he feels messy. but sokay, he's older than me so i respect him. and im just menumpang je on that floor.

i am bad roomate for him, but with others i hope not. :)))

aishh, suddenly i feel cant wait for next study year, coz i decided to stay with somebody else. with abg arip or my batchmate as long as not him inshaallah. alone is better if can. :) be patience uba, there is 5 months left.

and

i wish he knows how my pride fell because of that public comment. i hope he delete it.

**************update 210213****
perhaps i should let everyone knows before becoming my roomate, that:
1) i hate cold (my feet could easily caught cold)
2) since long ago, i always hav dificulty to wake up, and sleep as well :p
3) i tidy up my room/desk not everyday but about once a week so dont expect a tidy room. hihi

support israel instead of palestine? it's.not.funny.k?

recently, in kitchen (of my floor), my seniors (mostly chinese) were talking about israel and palestine. i listened to their words attentively while cooking. somehow it was a little bit funny coz they related everything to israel. but suddenly there was a question directed for an older senior there and the answer STUNNED me.

"***, which one u support, israel or palestine?"
"israel"
"why?"
"coz i think israel has their right to defend their country."

WHATTTTT THEEEEEE???????!!!!!!!!

as if he was not a senior, i would say "kau buta isu semasa ea?". if you ask me why we shouldn't support israel, i dont know what to answer, coz its common sense you know plus im not a man of words. but can't you see?? its everywhere okay,, in facebook, blog, tumblr, twitter, paper, tv etc. everywhere is talking about this thing. but why still be an ignorance? hey, ur heart is blinded. thats it why!

and read this *at least*;

source

got it? cant you see something? yess something.

i think i think too much.

okay, now i wanna change this blog's title. so here is the new title, an overthinker. the idea came out of a sudden so dont ask me why? and i think that word best to describe me now. maybe the title of this blog should be something best to describe me, even bad thing coz it can be a reminder for me. moreover, i've deleted my first blog,, so yeah,,maybe this blog may be my main blog now. but that deleted blog still undeleted completely within 3 months so who knows i might undelete it back HAHAHA but i will lose all my followers there *which is better for me*. actually i still havent receive any answer yet  *from my istkhrh prayers* regarding which is better--> delete that blog or not. hehe.

just an imagination

and ya know, imo overthinking was the cause of everything.

E
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that happened.
got it?

no need to seek for attention k.

regarding the complains in facebook,,maybe its ok if they were posted to reduce stress. but few days ago, my groupmate when i asked her why dislike facebook? her answer was facebook is for attention seekers. hahaha. yesss i agreed! (in some cases). but its not valid for everyone, it depends on what they post in facebook. if its regarding knowledges, maybe they do want to share. moreover, facebook is among the mediums to keep in touch with friends, relatives and family.

adoi,, what i wanted to say actually? anyway, since that, i keep telling myself, do you seek for attention? coz lately i had something to post in fb, a lot, but i was hesitated and canceled *luckily*. and i admit even for me sometime its annoying to see somebody with this kind of attitude especially the so-called very humble but actually very great, and the ones that keep posting about EVERY single small things they do daily.

Depressed? seek allah.

source

so uba, do not seek for attention. ok? you hate popularity isnt it? keep it.

again i repeat,
"facebook is for attention seeker." haha
*in some cases.

if you medical student study relax-ly, your patient die early

yesterday my senior said to me, if you medical student study relax-ly, your patient die early. hahaha his words mean a lot to me. it gave me some spirit to study and most important, suddenly i felt very2 lucky to study here. hehe. anyway in facebook especially, i see some of my friends always complaining about their lecturers and uni's system (here). so if i relate my senior's saying to their complains, it means sokay if you have to struggle hard now, coz inshaallah the future will be easier for you.

eventho the world seems unfair to you, i always say to myself---> allah Al-Adl (The Most Just). so there must be a reason. and maybe there is one thing you forgot uba. grateful.

and study.

yeah, they aren't for ya. #fact.

so sad so sad so sad :((( what happened to you? is it my fault? oh how im so sorry for you my bestfriend! my camera! it cant take a picture, even cannot operate anymore. ya allah. please, it's all i have as my loyal companion. i bring it everywhere i go. i like it very much. why is this always happens to me? as i consider someone/something as my bestfren or even godgifted fren,, then they'd leave me eventually. what a fail for me.

taken by delayne's camera. model: my besfren

i think i should accept the fact that,,im not deserve for any so-called titles friendship or even love. eventho Your love ya allah,, im not deserve it. im juz an ignorance who hopes for miracles in his life.

but allah,, pleasseeee? i really need him.:(((((( oh my sony, please stay in my life,,,

how i suppose to tell my parents. :( so i hav to fix it asap but i did everything. what else??

allah plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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ALLAHHHHHHHHHHHH
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that decisions.

recently i've made some BIGGEST mistake that could effects my ENTIRE LIFE! i thought the decisions were best to reduce my distress but they didnt. maybe i made the decisions when i was sad and in depress. now, face the consequences FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.! serve you right, admit it, it was your fault.

that decision, how i wish i could go to the past, and mend it.

your life is ruined, ok?

visiting mamayev in foggy day.

today i felt very depressed. feeling sick i cant sit in my room anymore. so after prayers, i directly changed my order and went out of that hostel without exact purpose. but then i decided to walk around in mamayev kurgan to run away from the mess. eventho the temperature was -6 that time, but the feeling of being alone always makes me feel so close to Him, which had warmed me apart of being замёрз. luckily i brought my loyal friend, my camera! so, i took a lot of photos there.

so, the jalan2 began.

halfway to the peak of mamayev.

i walked thru the path surrounded by snowy trees. subhanallah so beautiful.

someone put it there. but u can see this flower everywhere here.

at almost top of mamayev hill.

mamayev surrounded by fogs. on that peak, i shouted as loud as i can. ihihi what a relief

this is how i reach to and fro mamayev.

bokeh 1

bokeh 2

bokeh 3

say NO to wine/alcohol. it is haram coz the cons much more worse than its pro.

i spent hours there. when i got back, it was almost dark. i saw a lot of wine bottle, huhu. even scarier one drank guy shouted something at me, but i didnt understand and buat bodo je. alhamdulillah nothing bad happened to me. and thanks allah, i felt so close to You by that time walking around that mamayev hill. i knew i was not alone. *dat feeling~ :)

soon not-coming novel :)

this is how i wasted my time here, trying for something new for nothing but minat editting punya pasal.

anyway, thinking about writing a novel?
.
,
NO!