living with two fears. :(

since my rudeness to allah recently just becuz of silly dispute inside myself, now i ask allah, to do as His wish. which means i don't want to give a lot of effort nor put high hopes anymore, but this time i told myself, i just want to follow His flow. i'm tired of fighting alone without supports. if something happens, i will just do according to that thing inshaallah. i'm training myself to accept of everything that would happen. cuz i dont want if the thing i'm afraid of would happen, i can't live anymore. cuz now i live with FEAR. and due to the fear within me, my focus in class and lecture disrupted and my momentum of study fell. so to get rid of that fear, maybe something should i do but so far lets just train myself to be reda with any consequences.

but recently, allah gave me another fears which i was afraid of long time ago. about girls. i dont know why, despite of having a lot of sisters, still these gender is problematic to me. there is a girl i dont know but from my batch she added my father, chatted with him and now a lot of her status liked by my father, even few comments. LOL. wow! this far, huh? never in my life, the girl i know be close to my father. even there is a girl, whom i always feel something curious to her and i'm afraid she has feeling on me. cuz what? not that i'm full of myself, but can you explain why she added my brother, my step-mother, and my father as well? even she knows a lot about my background.

despites of that, i told myself, i won't start anything. NEVER. but how if they started it while i told myself i will just follow His flow? o allah, now i've reached beyond the limit i set for myself long time ago, but it's not my fault right? i do what i had said right? but i'm afraid something wrong would happen, i don't want to hurt anyone else anymore. enough with the past. they are women, weak, should be protected not hurt. if this fear happens, maybe there is a vast decision i have to make, regarding people's feeling and heart.

ooohhhh plzzzzz, allah I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! now i live with TWO FEARS!!!

she has to know this. o allah, i wish she read this post. but i dont think so huhu.

before it's too late.