the pasts that i don't want to but everyone should know.

thinking about the past,,,which i don't want to recall again cuz when i think about it, i feel embarrassed and very bad. im can't believe how bad i was and hypocrite long time ago regarding that thing. i never tell these to anybody. why? HAHA. cuz it will show how bad i am actually. and i even tried not to admit it and is very regret for did those things. yeah, i don't wanna do it again but thats juz subjective,,,but it still me. how to say huh? hmm,,actually i never told this to somebody except my friend, helmi. cuz it's regarding my inner attitude. if everyone knows they will disrespect me. but no matter how i have to admit it,, yeah, that's me.

now i feel embarrassed i did these things LOL;

1. when i was in form 1, i gave sms to the girl i liked very much (my first love). three times but she never replied, only once (one sms only) and then she never replied anymore. itupun cuz i wished her selamat hari raya, and she replied the same. even, i denied an offer from a friend who offered me to help me to enter religious school becuz of her. LOL

2. when i was in form 3, i liked another girl. but a year after that i received an offer to further my study in boarding school. but before i transfer there, i sent her a letter. she never replied too. LOL.

3. when i was in boarding school, during my senior year, i volunteered myself to help in an event held in my school. but the event which was en.hassan's son's marriage so a lot of outsiders came. and i was attracted to a girl. i approached her asking for her number. she didn't give. i felt embarrassed but i didn't give up. i told one of my junior to ask for her number again. this time she gave, but gave the wrong number. LOL

4. still in boarding school during my senior year, we (my batch) had an event with all girl school which located near to my school. it was history workshop for spm. i was paired with a girl from ssp on the first day. second day, she asked to change pair, so i was a little bit sad cuz i already had attracted to her. but i gave her my email in hoped that she find me, but never. LOL.

5. (will update it later maybe on another post) *but i'm not promise.

and maybe everyone should knows about this. so they know the real me. yes you might say they were the past, but still those events describe my hidden character. HAHAHA. but funny how i fought for some girls but failed and i still repeat it. maybe i should learn from it. enough fighting for the girl you like. but even if i'm fighting for them, i will tell myself that she's my future wife. hahaha. *not for fun keyh*

maybe,, yes maybe, i should use new principle, i won't fight for girl anymore, if any girl likes me, let she fights for me. like prophet muhammad saw and sayiditina siti khadijah ra, where siti khadijah proposed rasulullah saw first but their marriage last forever. so sweet ;) easy said, let just follow His flow. and i have to restrain myself from attracted to any girl (like usual but harder) cuz i don't want to repeat the same mistake. inshaallah there won't be the sixth story. hihihihihi

if you wanna be my wife, fight for me. and if allah put a feeling into me on you, inshaallah i'll fight for you too. :) hihihihihihi. but if they know these stories of coz no one wanna fight for me plus they will hate me. LOL. sokay,, if that so, so no need to get married lah, hahaha. *but i'm serious, see my face----> :l

"ya allah,,,please i beg You, don't put any feeling on me yet. stop it!! please i beg You so badly about this, please. amin"

let go, accept, never put hope.

comparing myself to the guy i hate so badly, now i have to admit i'm just nothing. i can see how his life is very perfect, he has almost everything. while me, always motivate myself to be very confidence. maybe that's how allah test us, me with myself. but he has almost everything. he has his dream camera, he got his dream laptop, he will become a doctor, lots of friends, popular and all of that i don't care. but what i fear the most, he has high chance and can easily get the girl he likes since he was in primary school. lol.

that girl.

allah,,,,only you know how much i like her. now i have to admit that i'm not for her. i have to let her go so that she's free and happy. then i have to learn to accept it, cuz it is the only way i can live without fear anymore.

allah,,,answer me ok?

warning from uni? what theeee~?!

just now president of malaysian students here posted something regarding islamic issues here. and i was like,, what the??!!! 

but i was speechless, dont know what to say. but i won't follow it much, religion is my priority ok! maybe it just a test for us here. o allah, strengthen us here please, don't ignore us k?

anyway, small matter i suppose :)

i've made a decision.

so, i've decided. i don't want to take the risk, cuz i'm sure i can't make it. i have my own way, i have my own principle. enough being in that situation, i can't follow. i'm not suit in it. so am i deserve for you? no. absolutely and clearly not, i'm just no one, i have a lot of flaws so don't expect anything from me cuz one day later everyone will know i'm not as good as they thought i am. that's why i rather be a stranger instead of get close to everybody. and i don't want to sacrifice my future. maybe by this decision, would break my heart into pieces, cuz it is my dream,,which i'd mention in every prayers. but as long as it is there, the two FEARS will follow. i need to get rid of the fear, especially the unsure one. so i've decided.

to hold on or let go?

and,
i've decided.

now i just have to get confirmation from isthikarah i'd make in hope for miracle, if not then i'll find a way to make it a proper decision. and now i think is the best time for that.

living with two fears. :(

since my rudeness to allah recently just becuz of silly dispute inside myself, now i ask allah, to do as His wish. which means i don't want to give a lot of effort nor put high hopes anymore, but this time i told myself, i just want to follow His flow. i'm tired of fighting alone without supports. if something happens, i will just do according to that thing inshaallah. i'm training myself to accept of everything that would happen. cuz i dont want if the thing i'm afraid of would happen, i can't live anymore. cuz now i live with FEAR. and due to the fear within me, my focus in class and lecture disrupted and my momentum of study fell. so to get rid of that fear, maybe something should i do but so far lets just train myself to be reda with any consequences.

but recently, allah gave me another fears which i was afraid of long time ago. about girls. i dont know why, despite of having a lot of sisters, still these gender is problematic to me. there is a girl i dont know but from my batch she added my father, chatted with him and now a lot of her status liked by my father, even few comments. LOL. wow! this far, huh? never in my life, the girl i know be close to my father. even there is a girl, whom i always feel something curious to her and i'm afraid she has feeling on me. cuz what? not that i'm full of myself, but can you explain why she added my brother, my step-mother, and my father as well? even she knows a lot about my background.

despites of that, i told myself, i won't start anything. NEVER. but how if they started it while i told myself i will just follow His flow? o allah, now i've reached beyond the limit i set for myself long time ago, but it's not my fault right? i do what i had said right? but i'm afraid something wrong would happen, i don't want to hurt anyone else anymore. enough with the past. they are women, weak, should be protected not hurt. if this fear happens, maybe there is a vast decision i have to make, regarding people's feeling and heart.

ooohhhh plzzzzz, allah I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! now i live with TWO FEARS!!!

she has to know this. o allah, i wish she read this post. but i dont think so huhu.

before it's too late.

before it's killing me.

no matter what, i have to destroy this feeling. cuz i can't take it anymore not, but cuz i have a lot of hopes and prayers put on my nerves. dont want this single feeling ruins tons of hopes from my parents, siblings, cousins, relatives, juniors, teachers,  and friends. my role is big, vey big. i can't imagine life i have to face if i can't make it. but should i take the risk?

o allah, i can't. i have to think for solutions. and i need Your guidance ya allah. please cuz it's about my entire life effect so i'm not sure if my solution is the best yet. allah, please help me. and please if it's the best, make it the last. i don't want to prolong it anymore. :(

allah guide me please. before it's killing me and ruins my future. :'(

i respect-ED him.

i respected him. but he did something that surprised me. cuz can you imagine the one that keeps the good things happen and preaching to the others, easy said that he is pious person in front of people, but when he meet a specific person he insult the person making everyone laugh at that person. does he knows how's that feeling of being insulted? in front of juniors somemore. that person who was insulted is my senior, he is veeeerrrryyyyy kind and generous. so it broke my heart seeing he was being insulted without any backups. it's embarrassing him ya know.

then my senior who was being insulted, he left the gathering. i saw he was trying to hide his emotional and anger. it broke my heart! i cried inside. :'(

how could him did that to him! :( is that what people say pious, huh? now i lost respect to him!

Asma Allah. :)

oh, i love this! since i told myself dont use human's term (e.g. sweet, naughty, jealous etc) on allah, juz use His 99 names or never. so i have to memorize all of His name inshaallah. :) inshaallah will try.

“The Beautiful 99 Names of Allah ♥ 1 Allah (الله) The Greatest Name
2 Ar-Rahman (الرحمن) The All-Compassionate
3 Ar-Rahim (الرحيم) The All-Merciful
4 Al-Malik (الملك) The Absolute Ruler
5 Al-Quddus (القدوس) The Pure One
6 As-Salam (السلام) The Source of Peace
7 Al-Mu’min (المؤمن) The Inspirer of Faith
8 Al-Muhaymin (المهيمن) The Guardian
9 Al-Aziz (العزيز) The Victorious
10 Al-Jabbar (الجبار) The Compeller
11 Al-Mutakabbir (المتكبر) The Greatest
12 Al-Khaliq (الخالق) The Creator
13 Al-Bari’ (البارئ) The Maker of Order
14 Al-Musawwir (المصور) The Shaper of Beauty
15 Al-Ghaffar (الغفار) The Forgiving
16 Al-Qahhar (القهار) The Subduer
17 Al-Wahhab (الوهاب) The Giver of All
18 Ar-Razzaq (الرزاق) The Sustainer
19 Al-Fattah (الفتاح) The Opener
20 Al-`Alim (العليم) The Knower of All
21 Al-Qabid (القابض) The Constrictor
22 Al-Basit (الباسط) The Reliever
23 Al-Khafid (الخافض) The Abaser
24 Ar-Rafi (الرافع) The Exalter
25 Al-Mu’izz (المعز) The Bestower of Honors
26 Al-Mudhill (المذل) The Humiliator
27 As-Sami (السميع) The Hearer of All
28 Al-Basir (البصير) The Seer of All
29 Al-Hakam (الحكم) The Judge One
30 Al-`Adl (العدل) The Just
31 Al-Latif (اللطيف) The Subtle One
32 Al-Khabir (الخبير) The All-Aware
33 Al-Halim (الحليم) The Forbearing
34 Al-Azim (العظيم) The Magnificent
35 Al-Ghafur (الغفور) The Forgiver and Hider of Faults
36 Ash-Shakur (الشكور) The Rewarder of Thankfulness
37 Al-Ali (العلى) The Highest
38 Al-Kabir (الكبير) The Greatest
39 Al-Hafiz (الحفيظ) The Preserver
40 Al-Muqit (المقيت) The Nourisher
41 Al-Hasib (الحسيب) The Accounter
42 Al-Jalil (الجليل) The Mighty
43 Al-Karim (الكريم) The Generous
44 Ar-Raqib (الرقيب) The Watchful One
45 Al-Mujib (المجيب) The Responder to Prayer
46 Al-Wasi (الواسع) The All-Comprehending
47 Al-Hakim (الحكيم) The Perfectly Wise
48 Al-Wadud (الودود) The Loving One
49 Al-Majid (المجيد) The Majestic One
50 Al-Ba’ith (الباعث) The Resurrector
51 Ash-Shahid (الشهيد) The Witness
52 Al-Haqq (الحق) The Truth
53 Al-Wakil (الوكيل) The Trustee
54 Al-Qawiyy (القوى) The Possessor of All Strength
55 Al-Matin (المتين) The Forceful One
56 Al-Waliyy (الولى) The Governor
57 Al-Hamid (الحميد) The Praised One
58 Al-Muhsi (المحصى) The Appraiser
59 Al-Mubdi’ (المبدئ) The Originator
60 Al-Mu’id (المعيد) The Restorer
61 Al-Muhyi (المحيى) The Giver of Life
62 Al-Mumit (المميت) The Taker of Life
63 Al-Hayy (الحي) The Ever Living One
64 Al-Qayyum (القيوم) The Self-Existing One 65 Al-Wajid (الواجد) The Finder
66 Al-Majid (الماجد) The Glorious
67 Al-Wahid (الواحد) The One, the All Inclusive, The Indivisible
68 As-Samad (الصمد) The Satisfier of All Needs
69 Al-Qadir (القادر) The All Powerful
70 Al-Muqtadir (المقتدر) The Creator of All Power
71 Al-Muqaddim (المقدم) The Expediter
72 Al-Mu’akhkhir (المؤخر) The Delayer
73 Al-Awwal (الأول) The First
74 Al-Akhir (الأخر) The Last
75 Az-Zahir (الظاهر) The Manifest One
76 Al-Batin (الباطن) The Hidden One
77 Al-Wali (الوالي) The Protecting Friend
78 Al-Muta’ali (المتعالي) The Supreme One
79 Al-Barr (البر) The Doer of Good
80 At-Tawwab (التواب) The Guide to Repentance
81 Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger
82 Al-‘Afuww (العفو) The Forgiver
83 Ar-Ra’uf (الرؤوف) The Clement
84 Malik-al-Mulk (مالك الملك) The Owner of All
85 Dhu-al-Jalal wa-al-Ikram (ذو الجلال و الإكرام) The Lord of Majesty and Bounty
86 Al-Muqsit (المقسط) The Equitable One
87 Al-Jami’ (الجامع) The Gatherer
88 Al-Ghani (الغنى) The Rich One
89 Al-Mughni (المغنى) The Enricher
90 Al-Mani’(المانع) The Preventer of Harm
91 Ad-Darr (الضار) The Creator of The Harmful
92 An-Nafi’ (النافع) The Creator of Good
93 An-Nur (النور) The Light
94 Al-Hadi (الهادي) The Guide
95 Al-Badi (البديع) The Originator
96 Al-Baqi (الباقي) The Everlasting One
97 Al-Warith (الوارث) The Inheritor of All
98 Ar-Rashid (الرشيد) The Righteous Teacher
99 As-Sabur (الصبور) The Patient One”

he knows cuz He know.

alhamdulillah. i praise allah for that pleasuring feeling He gave me yesterday, how my heart happy till now. is it the miracle i asked for? or is it just a test for me? or just a coincidence? no absolutely there is no coincidence in islam. everything, yes e v e r y t h i n g won't happens without His knowledge, cuz everything even tiny things happened by allah's will. subhanallah.

now, when every single things happens i can see there are a lot of reasons. it's like allah want to show me, i mean it seems like He want to 'introduce' Himself to me; to show me His love and His kindness. subhanallah how my heart was touched. arghh,,how i am happy for what allah gave me yesterday :DDDD

i just want to say my thanks to Him. :) that was the best moment of 2013 so far and perhaps it was a present from allah to me for Men's Day today :D subhanallah, alhamdulillah. :DDD

and yesterday ALSO, my brother shared something on my timeline. actually i don't know why he shared that photo, but i wonder, how come he knows?!

this photo. it cures my heart a lil bit.

allah, do as Your pleasure, but please guide me as well for i need it.

that unneeded bye.

1. fyi, there are two batches in first year batch. my batch (now in 2nd semester) and the yayasan terengganu's batch (now in 1st semester). they latter cuz they came later than us and when arrived here they have to continue and finish their preparation yet. moreover, we are older one year than them, so perhaps i can say that they are our juniors. but,

2. WHY THEY DID THAT TO ME? HOW COULD THEM!! I FELT FOOLED. do they know who they are? you guys are younger than me, i am older than you, so have some respect. at least if you dont want to show your respect, never do something rude.

3. i was rushing anyway to hospital for surgical practical. when i reached the tramvai/bus stop i saw them. they stood at the place where the no.2 tramvai will stop. almost all of them and fyi 28 out of 31 of them are girls. looking at that position and direction i knew they were heading to main university so why i should approach them? no need to ask. moreover since i have difficulty in communication with opposite gender, i stood far away from them (about 100m), i even didn't turn my head towards them. when the tramvai came, i rushed into that tramvai (no.2). but,

4. faisal suddenly called me. but how did he was there? i didn't know he was there among them. during that peak time i dont know why he asked me a lot of question. to where? what class? when class start? uurrgghhh faisal!!! i tried to avoid from them, but he pulled me into that middle of........ shit faisal. but i answered him. i tried to be cool. cuz why should i be afraid of? heyy,,it's my natural keyh so what to do. when i stepped into that tramvai i heard a girl said 'bye!' but i pretended nothing. she said again 'bye!', this time faisal told me that she said bye. yess i know i'm not deaf k! but since faisal said, i have to give respond,, when i looked back, all of them look at me. i was,,,, what the~ ~. she said again 'bye!'. this time i can't deny anymore, i just gave a smile to her, but her friends just laughed. for what??! huh!!

5. i felt embarrassed.  how could them!! :((( i knew that bye was just for nothing. she just was playing. but i wander for what she wanted to test me? huh? they dont know me, and me too dont know them,,so don't judge! cuz i know maybe some of them would say/ already said i'm arrogant. and you know what? they spoiled my day!!

6. this shit event reminded me of the event when i was in form 3. i still remember how i was insulted by few girls during my way back to home. they said it out loud in front of me keyh!! but sokay, i forgave them cuz i took note of what they said as thats the truth perhaps. like people always said, an enemy's insult is more honest than friend's praise. but this time, they fooled me. being insulted and being fooled aren't the same! if you guys hate me, just insult and tell me,, dont fooling me around keyh?

7. for me, they are *were* RUDE. now i know a little bit a feeling of being raped. LOL. [fullstop] but,

8. i dont know them yet, so i won't judge. that rude was just for her doing not them. and eventho some may say their are my batch's juniors, but i told them, for me they're not juniors but batchmates. i dont think if you separated by only fews months we can be senior junior. it's not boarding school anymore, this is university! but honestly, getting to be friend with them is not my intention, i rather be a stranger foreverever. haha. plus, abang arip told me normally the yt's students are pious more than others whom an ignorance like me dont deserve. hohoho.

9. maybe i was sensitive + overthink too much, yeah cuz on that time i was rushing, worried to be late but alhamdulillah i arrived on time. but seems annoying right? LOL.