why me??

*attention! please dont vomit reading this*

bhahaha its not that im full of myself or perasan, but it was obviously right. why they hav such feeling on me? i wont tell it here cuz i'm afraid that u will vomit reading it. but i never hope it happens,,even me always pray that what happened long time ago was the last. cuz im sick of it. sick of disappointing others and fight against my feelings, cuz u know what?? i tend to hav feeling on someone who has feeling on me as well. so its like a challange for me to 'jaga iman jaga hati' and maybe cuz allah knows im weak at this so He tests me regarding this. but until when?

i tell you, i am nothing okayyy. and believe me, if you be friend with me you will find out that im a lame and boring person. im cant joking and really bad at encountering any insultion. im not a man of words. even if i meet you guys dont be shocked if im like this, silent all the time. anddd whats i hate the most is, when others found out that im not good as they expected im before. that was not a good feeling cuz i hate to ruin others' expectation and hopes.huhuhu. thats why i hate if someone likes me.

but i do appreciate them, thats why if i know someone has feeling on me,,i'd have it too. huhuhu. cuz i know even i hav a lot of weaknesses they still admire me,,ecece,, thats why in my prayers, i always mention them. yup maybe i can't reply on their feelings on me, thats why i juz pray for them. so it worth it, right.

again, i'm not perasan ok,,at first they were juz my firasat, but i have some alibi to say it true.

and i still dont get it. why??

i'm good at nothing ok.

alhamdulillah for that smile ^^

subhanallah, hari ini perasaan yang pernah aku rasa 2 tahun lalu bertandang kembali. malah seolah2 sebahagian daripada beban di bahuku diangkat sedikit demi sedikit. betapa aku bersyukurnya padaMu ya allah atas apa yang berlaku hari ini. saat melihat senyuman dia, subhanallah, berair mata aku. tapi cepat2 aku mengawal emosi aku. dan hari ini juga, penyakit homesick aku mencapai tahap 3. sungguh waktu kelas tadi terbayang2 akan setiap kerenah mereka. dan aku tahu, rindu itu juga satu nikmat. indah bukan merindui seseorang? malah hari ini juga, ada sesuatu yang aku belajar; berhenti menerima dan mengharap. ya, muktamad! biarkan ia berlaku. tapi ya allah, andai kata akan berlaku, kuatkan aku dlu ok?

sekali lagi, ya allah, terima kasih untuk segala rasa pada hari ini. <3

that smile of ummi makes this picture worthless!!

aku yakin ya allah. ini semua berlaku dengan izin Mu, bukan usaha,bukan pemeriksa,bukan doa2 kami,,, semua oleh Mu ya allah, Tuhan sekalian alam. ^^

19th march13

after a long time, she updated her blog. i can see she is smiling, she's happy, laughing there,, with her batchmate. she is so so happy with them. she even uploaded some pictures buttt buttt few of them contain her! ya allah, what they had done to her? she never had done it before even once,,...huhuhu,,, anyway it hit me,,she is happy, but it is not becuz of me anymore.. ok fine,,hahaha i should feel happy on her behalf. ^^ yess wallahi i'm happy for her. and alhamdulillah she unblocked me in fb ^^. ekekeke,,but i do want to add her, i do want to chat with her,,,but i'm tired of disappointing her. dont want to disturb her,, let she happy, even if by meeting someone else let her happy ya allah.

hmm,,tomorrow spm result will be announced. my sister im sure is having a butterfly in her stomach LOL. but honestly i'm worry too,,i hope she get straight a. cuz i want more doctor to be in our family. *she want to be a doctor too ^^* ya allah, please make it happens,,,juz say "be" ya allah pleasee make my umi n abuya smile  :PPP hihihihi

anyway, now i'm in a middle of something. about one of my batchmate here. but since i think i can't help due to some limit,i ask for senior help. sorry for burdening it but thats the only thing i can do. i dont want to see my friend ruined.

am still hoping.

yesterday, my senior told me that don;t put high hope on my camera which i had sent to service center, cuz he said he lost his camera after he sent it to service center few years ago. =,= erkkk why not tell me earlier? but he said, juz buy a new better one. huhuhu. as if i have a lot of money, i'd buy better one. even that camera of mine,,was my father's money,,,,so it make me down if what he said is true. but still i will put high hope on my camera and make doa,,cuz i live by hoping rather than accept everything. sokay, at least i know  it was my LAST effort on my camera, if anything happens,,that's what allah wants. so there must be reason :)

anyway, i drew this yesterday,,,cuz suddenly it crossed my mind. and fyi, it is what my naqib told me when i asked him something regarding about nafs. until now i remember it.

he said, our nafs's character is waiting~ and as long as you fight it, it wont fight you unless you lower your guard down. so never sleep nor be negligence. always renew your iman (faith) and nawaitu (intention). as if you are tired and you lost to ur lust,,, quickly repent. inshaallah.

anyway, i checked facebook,,something happened today. it makes my day. subhanallah alhamdulillah.

radi0head-creep

currently is listening to this song. lol i think i'm addicted to it,,cuz the meaning is very deep,,,

a new plan~

ok just few things to say. i was pulled into biro media of stig-x. but my job is very easy, i have to attend any sport practices,,,and shoot!!! hahaha. now i am a photographer for stig-x coming soon event. but what i got today was more than i expected, they invited me to play. mashaallah, i felt happy even i had played very bad LOL. even i missed the rugby practice cuz i got lost in a rural area, that place was so scary~ no body was there, barking dog,, motor bike gangs and so silence. but i asked few russians there, even they were not friendly but at least it helped.

and i had think and planned, since my journey here is still long to go, i want to involve myself in sports. if not this year, maybe next year inshaallah.

if don't wanna help, don't worsen it. k.

even if you have gone thru that kind of situation, it doesnt mean that you can say; it's okay, learn it! if you are a friend, and you know it's hurt why don't you help me? dont worsen it or eventually let it hanged in the air. i'm the one hurt in this middle of situation and i asked a help to lessen it,and is it unfair if it could help me to neutralize myself like the others two? you said it is unfair? what the~ so obviously you dont understand me as you claimed to be, or by my overthinking's thought i'd say you are not even a friend cuz u dont care as a friend does. *shohhh shoo that overthinking's thought..lol

if you don't want to help me, at least dont make it worse. (a reminder for myself)

(should had not ask anyone about this, juz leave it to Him jeee. *learnt)

as you wish,,

on my skype's status, i wrote; let go? should i?
then two days after she wrote on her skype's status; hopefully it'll end.
i know she read my status, but i dont know whether it was about us or not.
and i believe it was about us, and i hope i got it wrong.

*************************

it has been a week but i still havent got anything from allah. and what else if not allah, is there another God i can rely on other than allah? absolutely NOT. maybe a person like me is being ignored by allah. sokay i know why and i know who i am. but i dont want to lose hope on allah yet,,inshaallah i will still pray and in this case maybe i should not leave it to Him totally cuz seems like He won't help me. i'm far away from allah while she is so close to Him.

if end is what she wants, who am i to resist it,,,her prayers deserve more to be granted than mine. 'huhu

i'm waiting~

for the past 6 days, i've prayed istikharah almost everyday, or at least recite the istikarah doa in my fardu prayers. cuz tomorrow should be the due date for me to declare my decision. but still till today i don't receive any answer yet. yesss, i need the answer cuz now i'm really in dilemma. if i wanna do, right now i'm really hesistate to do it. if not, then i should live with those fears (for 6 years!). or at least allah, make her get rid of that fears.

allah, now i'm urging You to give me the answer. i wanna do according to what You'd tell me. i don't want to regret it in future,, or at least if i regret it later, i can say, "it was what allah wanted, so chill~". yet allah, i leave it to You to decide,,,,so please decide it for me please.

and tomorrow will start my second sem, so i need to settle this asap before it ruins my second sem. :( hope she unblock my fb by today or tomorrow so it'd easier. huhu :'(

miss how's life used to be in intec :(

tonight, helmi needed my help for his video making (an islamic reminder one) task for an upcoming event, stig-x. i suggested him to watch the HIBJ video which attt, yunee and me made juz to get some rough idea. and since the video is unlisted from search engine, i have to scroll down fb group RUSSIAN 18. alhamdulillah i found that video. but on my way scrolling down to it, i have to pass thru a lot of posts and status. so instead of the video, i got nostalgia :'(

i saw some posts regarding past problem (yup that one), the misunderstanding, about some disputes among us long ago, few wishes and prayers we posted, saying good luck to each other, how we advised each other, about big event we organized, sharings, bout preparation to here, etc.
.
.
.
they gave me nostalgia of being together with them in intec. it's too sweet to recall. and i don't believe how came i hated them (during early weeks) but then it turned out to be opposite, cuz then i love them. i love russa 18. and even we had stayed together for only a year, but i miss russa 18 more than i miss raids (which i stayed with them for 2 years).

maybe since we were minority, so we always do things together and can easily mingle with each other. and everytime we had an event, everyone (by hook by crook) have to join. so that's how we became really close despite of everyone's own background. so, we completed each other. and with love showed by our superseniors, i think that's how we became even closer which i hate to admit it. but now i miss how life used to be in intec. :'(

and just want to say that actually it's not true if i had said; in intec i overcame my fear to communicate with opposite gender. cuz here i realized that i still have the same problem :( but one thing i realized here is, i don't have difficulty to communicate with russian18's girls. they are like my sisters, cuz my blood sisters are the ones i feel really easy to be with. when i'm talking to russian18's girls, i don't feel any difficulty but not when with other girls. :) so juz wanna say, you are all my family here! :D

and,,

i miss the moment when we were all together sharing, crying and laughing :( but sokay, now i still can see how close we are; doing bufday surprises, group potluck, excursion together, celebrating big days, share meals, etc. hope the bond continues :)

these pictures got all of us. full strength. <3

maybe i'm nothing to them but for me, they are precious cuz with them i learnt a lot of things. subhanallah. mashaallah. may allah bless us all. and inshaallah i'd mention russian18 in all my prayers. hihi :)